To Binge or Not to Binge?

It's a stupid question and the answer is obvious, right? "NOT" is the answer, right?

It's logical that I gain weight when I stuff myself full of crappy food but shouldn't the flip side of that be that I lose weight when I don't binge?

For the past couple of years my weight has basically stayed the same whether I'm eating healthy and working out or sitting on the couch stuffing my face with crap. How is that possible? This body of mine is just so f'd up from years of abuse I don't think it knows what to do anymore.

I lost 5-6 pounds last week when I was home sick on vacation but they jumped right back on this week even though I resisted the cake, ice cream, muffins and other calorie bombs launched around the office.

I think I may have figured out what is making me fat .... work! Does anyone have a cure for that?

Two Faced Man in the Mirror

Why do we wait until people are dead to appreciate them?

I've been home on sickcation all week so I've been watching way more tv than usual. I'm shocked at the non-stop media coverage over Michael Jackson's death. Not because the King of Pop doesn't deserve to be recognized for his talent but because 98% of these celebrities and media people who are crying their hearts out over his death are the same people that were calling him wacko jacko and slinging his name through the mud for the past four years.

In my heart I never believed MJ was guilty of hurting those kids. He seemed like such a kid himself who was never allowed to be a child or have a normal life. I grew up listening and dancing to his music. I thought he was a brilliant performer and a very good looking guy until he went too far with the (obvious) plastic surgery. I think he loved Diana Ross so much he wanted to look just like her. I don't think he ever liked what he saw in the mirror and kept trying to change the face that looked back at him.

Does anyone remember who his accusers were and how much money they got? I honestly believe he was framed by some greedy people who knew how deep his pockets were and how easy it would be to suck the money of out them. We forget that people are innocent until proven guilty. He was never convicted but he was ridiculed and exiled for years.

I think we should appreciate and honor people while they are alive. Don't wait 'til they're dead and gone to show your love.

I’m Starting With The [Wo]Man In The Mirror
I’m Asking Him [Her] To Change His [Her] Ways
And No Message Could Have Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself And Then Make A Change

RIP MJ!

Happy Birthday to Me ...

42 years ago today I came into this world fighting. I was a twin but, unfortunately, the other baby didn't make it through the delivery.

Yikes! 42!!! I can't believe I'm 42 and still fighting with my body.

I don't think I've really looked forward to my birthday since I turned 21. After you hit all the milestones the only thing the day of your birth marks is getting another year older. I suppose the alternative of not having a birthday is worse so I guess I should just enjoy it.

I started this blog not long after I turned 40 and thought I would certainly be at my goal by now. Here we are 2 years later and I've lost a total of 8 pounds. Well, I've lost much more but gained it back over and over again. You know the drill, right? I need to get off this damn roller coaster I've been riding for so long.

So, I'm still fat and now I'm another year older. I know it isn't going to get any easier and the longer it takes me to get a grip on things the harder it's going to get. I'm sick of struggling and just want to get to a place where I can be happy with what I see in the mirror. I don't want to be "skinny" I just want to feel good when I look in the mirror, I want my clothes to fit, I want to feel strong and know I'm living a healthy life.

I've been on vacation this week and had planned on going to the gym every day and planned on really pushing myself to a higher level but I've been sick (coughing and wheezing) since early Sunday morning so it hasn't happened. I couldn't even get out of bed Monday let alone get to the gym. UGGH! I'm feeling a bit better today so I'm going to try to get a workout in but I don't think I can push it too much with such diminished lung capacity. I'll probably just take a walk and try to do some light weights. Every little bit helps, right?

Well, I'm not giving up the fight. The fat will lose this battle. I am making a vow that I will not be writing a similar post on my 43rd birthday. I'm not getting any younger.

You Are Beautiful

Believe it. Be it. Pass it on.

Find out more about Operation Beautiful here.

Holiday? What Holiday?

I hope everyone here in the states had a great time celebrating the 4th of July, everyone else I hope you had a good weekend.

I'm sad to say we didn't get to see any fireworks, we didn't go to any bbq's and we didn't do anything fun. We're building an addition on our camp so all we did was work on it all weekend. It was backbreaking work. The good news is I got an excellent workout lugging 2x6x10's, lifting plywood, bending, stretching and running around being the gofer. I was totally exhausted and fell into a dead sleep as soon as we got home last night until about 4:00 in the morning when I woke up with a sore throat and a wheezing cough.

I'm can't say I'm surprised since I'm on vacation this week and I had planned on getting the house organized and hitting the gym every single day. It's just my luck that something always happens when I try to take a vacation. Today was a total bust. I couldn't get out of bed and I can't take a deep breath without hacking. First day of vacation wasted. Let's hope I can get over this and enjoy the rest of the week. My vacations are good times, yeah, good times.

B got tickets to the Red Sox game tomorrow night so that should be fun if I can breathe. Of course, we're supposed to have severe thunderstorms tomorrow but hopefully it will hold off until after the game.

I think that black cloud found me again.

Hello Sunshine ...

Where have you been hiding? Did you forget it's summer here in New England? We haven't seen much of you for the past month or so. It's been foggy, rainy, drizzling, overcast, and cold. I was beginning to doubt we would ever see you again. I hope you stick around and join us for the 4th of July celebrations.

I hope the sun is shining where you are. Be safe, have fun and don't forget the sunscreen.

B as in Beauty

You can always tell how much I enjoyed a book by the number of dogeared pages indicating a passage I want to go back and read again. There were dozens of them when I finished this beauty of a book. Here are a few of my favorite passages:

"...a woman has to trade her face for her ass ... past a certain age, the skinnier you are, the older you'll look. Your figure might be slim, but you'll look wrinkled and emaciated. If you keep some weight on ... your ass will be bigger but you face will stay tight and soft."

"...the obstacle is in your mind. It's not what you have, it's how you feel about it."

"Don't go into your head alone. It can be a dangerous neighborhood."

"Nothing jinxes you faster than common sense...you are protected by your imbecility...."

"Screw sticks and stones, certain words can totally break your bones."

"What other people think is none of your business."

"We develop feelings for everything, even for our jail cell. We feel trapped in it, we hate it, and yet - even if the door is open - we're afraid to leave."

"...it's pretty obvious that fat people are more huggable than skinny people ... go to a toy store, pick up a teddy bear and a Barbie doll, and tell me which one you'd rather snuggle up in bed with."

"The opposite of love is not hatred. It is fear."

"That's life - no one gets out of it alive."

I'm going to stop there because you should buy it and read it for yourself. There are so many great lines in this book it's hard to pick just a few.

I was surprised that this book is written by a man, Alberto Ferreras, who has an uncanny ability to speak to and about woman.

This book is a BEAUTY.

We Lost an Angel Today

We lost one of our angels today. Farrah Fawcett lost her battle with anal cancer today at the age of 62. Every boy I grew up with lusted after Farrah and all the girls wanted that feathered back Farrah hair. I used to sleep with my hair in hard hot rollers so I would have that full bouncy Farrah hair. Mine wasn't as blond but it was close to her style and I loved it even though my head hurt from the curlers digging into my skull all night.

Farrah shot to stardom on the 70s hit Charlie's Angels. I thought Farrah was gorgeous but I always related more closely to Kate Jackson and Jaclyn Smith. I knew I was more like them than the blond bombshell Farrah was.

Farrah's longtime love, Ryan O'Neal, said "After a long and brave battle with cancer, our beloved Farrah has passed away. Although this is an extremely difficult time for her family and friends, we take comfort in the beautiful times that we shared with Farrah over the years and the knowledge that her life brought joy to so many people around the world." She did bring joy into many lives but it doesn't make it easier to see her go.

I could relate to Ryan and Farrah's reluctance to tie the knot all those years even if they were madly in love with each other. I think they intended to take that step in her final days but ran out of time. I hope they didn't have any regrets about that. It makes me think twice about my own situation.

Farrah was such a beautiful soul who didn't just cruise by on her good looks alone and she certainly could have done that. She fought to be taken seriously as an actress, she fought for her right to privacy and she fought the ultimate battle with cancer. She was an angel and a fighter. May she rest in peace.

"They" always say death comes in 3s. I was sad to hear of Ed McMahon's death earlier this week but didn't really shed any tears. He lived a good long life, right? The next thing I hear is that Michael Jackson, the King of Pop, went into cardiac arrest and died this afternoon at the age of 50. I grew up listening to Michael Jackson back when he was a handsome black man. The whiter he got the crazier he seemed to get but nobody can deny the guy had amazing talent. At least we will always have his music to remember him by.

The media is going crazy tripping over each other trying to get the exclusive interviews and lifetime stories. It sounds crazy but I wish Farrah and Michael didn't die on the same day so they could each get the full media spotlight for themselves.

Hey, Grim Reaper, enough already, that's 3, give it a rest. My heart goes out to the friends and family who lost their loved ones. Keep them alive in your happy memories.

Thematic Photographic 55 - Cloudy

Here in my little corner of the northeast we've had plenty of time to get familiar with clouds as it has been a record month for rainfall, clouds and lack of sunshine. It gets a little depressing after weeks without sunshine. I don't know how people in London get through all those foggy gloomy days. There must be a trick to it. I'm happy to say things are looking brighter today. The big yellow orb has finally decided to peek out and show itself. Hopefully it will stick around for a while.

I took this photo from a cruise ship in Boston Harbor a couple of years ago. I always love it when the sunshine streams through the clouds. It seems magical to me.

If you want to join in the Thematic Photographic fun, you can get the details from Cami at written inc. here.

EXPOSED

*

OMG! OMG! OMG! I can't believe how freaked out I am about posting my pictures. I feel so exposed and as bare as if I walked out of the house stark naked. I couldn't stop thinking about it all day, how the pictures of my fatself are out there for the whole world to see. I lost track of how many times I almost deleted them but I didn't give in to the anxiety and fear.

I don't know why it makes me feel so weird. It isn't like people don't see how fat I am every day when they look at me but I think it has more to do with the fact that I don't want to look at myself at this weight. I don't want to look at those pictures. I love who I am but I hate all the extra packaging. I remember what is underneath all the fat and I long to see it again. I want to like what I see in pictures.

As much as it pains me to take a good long look at these pictures I think it will be a good thing in the long run. I wasn't always fat and I'm still pretty active so I think sometimes I kid myself into believing that I'm not that fat. I need to force myself to really see myself, see my fat and see what the world sees when they look at me. I don't want to cringe when I look at photos of myself. I want to like what I see in the mirror. I hope to see allot less of me in 60 days.

Anyone want to join the Missouri 60 and see what a difference you can make in 60 days? Check out the challenge details here and more here at the AntiJared.

Take a picture. Do you like what you see?

* Girl Before a Mirror (1932) Pablo Picasso (Spanish, 1882-1973)

Missouri 60 Before Photos

It's on. I'm doing the Missouri 60. I worked up the courage to take some pictures and not immediately delete them. My heart is racing just thinking about hitting "publish post" and putting this out there for the world to see. It's really hard to look at the cold hard fat facts but it is what it is. I am what I am. My eyes are open and I see the work that needs to be done.

I'm too ashamed to show my face so I am yet another headless blogger. I still like to live in the life of illusion and believe I'm blogging anonymously. I know for a fact I've been found by people I would rather not know read about my weight loss battle but I'm getting over it.

I hate seeing myself in pictures at this weight but hopefully things will look better in 60 days.

I can't wait to see the progress I will make in 60 days. I showed you mine, now it is your turn to show me yours.

Thematic Photographic 54 - Going Geen

I love seeing Cami's view of the world and especially enjoyed seeing him without pants on in yesterday's post ;). Makes you wonder what's going on under the newsroom desks, huh?

This week's theme is GREEN. I wanted to take pictures of a huge pile of money but couldn't find enough of it to make the picture work.

This sunflower didn't stay green for very long. Doesn't it look ready to burst?

If you want to join the Thematic Photographic fun, head over to written inc. and get the details. I don't know how he comes up with interesting new themes every week. It's inspiring to see the different ways people get creative with each week's theme.

Join in, have fun and go GREEN.

The Missouri 60

I haven't participated in any of the challenges going around the blogsphere but I think I'm going to bite the bullet and join the Missouri 60. You can check out the details over at The Anti Jared.

Tony "the AntiJared" tells it like it is and doesn't hold anything back. He is brutally honest, gets up at an ungodly hour, works around food all day, doesn't cut himself any slack and doesn't make any excuses. I don't know if I'll ever be as disciplined as he is but I guess that is why he has been successful with weight loss and I'm still floundering. I want to be that dedicated to my health so let's see what I can do.

The basic rules of the Missouri 60 are:

1. Take a picture of yourself between now and June 30th

2. Take a picture of yourself 60 days after

3. Show yourself how great you can be!

There will be prizes but that's not what this is about. The real prize is feeling better about myself and getting healthy. I need to SHOW ME that I can do this.

I'm a photographer so I'm always behind the camera lens and run away when one gets pointed in my direction but pictures don't lie. I'm always shocked when I see a picture of myself. I can't believe I look THAT fat. I don't look that fat in the mirror, do I? It must be a bad angle, bad lighting, bad outfit, just bad, bad, bad. Am I really that fat? YES I AM. Pictures don't lie.

Let's see if I can live up to the challenge and SHOW ME what I can do in 60 days. Anyone want to do the Missouri 60 with me?

Time Keeps Tickin'

I remember when I couldn't wait to be a teenager. It felt like I waited FOREVER to get my driver's license, graduate, vote, and pretend to be a grown up with a job and my own place to live. I still don't feel like a grown up but I can't deny I have all the symptoms and wrinkles don't lie. The years seem to speed up the older I get. Weren't we just making those New Years resolutions yesterday?

The weekend days fly by but Monday through Friday 9 to 5 seems like an eternity. I'm convinced my lunch hour is the shortest hour of the workday. Vacation days disappear in the blink of an eye. Is it just me?

I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that I'll be 42 in a couple of weeks. It'll be two years since I started this blog and I haven't come close to reaching my goals. I've wasted so much time trying to get (back) into the body I want. Will it ever happen?

I struggle for weeks to lose a few pounds only to gain them back over a bad weekend. I don't want to live the second half of my life wishing and hoping I did it and having to live with the regret. That's no way to live. I need to lose it before I run out of time.

We're not getting any younger.

How Fat is FAT?

When I developed earlier than all the other girls in fifth grade I thought I was fat. I wasn't, I just grew boobs and hips.

When I was 15 wearing a size 7 and weighing around 125 pounds I thought I was fat. I wasn't. I had a smokin' hot body. I would really appreciate that body if I had it today.

When I got my drivers license at age 16 I put on a few pounds because I wasn't walking or biking to get where I wanted to go. I probably weighed around 130 pounds and wore a size 9. I thought I was fat. I wasn't. I'd be happy to be 130 now.

Every year I would try new diets and lose a few pounds only to gain more and more. I was shocked when I hit 140 pounds and had to jump to a size 10-12. I couldn't believe I was so close to 150 pounds. I tried to lose it by going on one diet after another and ended up gaining more in the long run. I thought I could get my weight under control. I wasn't going to allow myself to break 150 pounds because then I would be really FAT. It didn't take long to exceed that mark with another round of dieting and regaining.

Up, up and away to 160, 170, 180, 190 ... OMG. How can I weigh 190 pounds? I couldn't imagine being over 200 pounds. There was no way I was going to allow myself to reach the dreaded 200 pound mark. If I hit 200 pounds I would be FAT FAT.

I had to get serious, no more playing games. I obviously didn't know how to do it right and needed help. I paid lots of money for a lifetime membership at Jenny C., ate everything out of a cardboard box for months and months, got weighed in every week by a stranger and lost about 60 pounds. I didn't even get down to my goal weight before I started regaining again. I kept the weight off for about 5 whole minutes. Don't blink, you missed it.

Keeping up with the weight loss/regain pattern, I regained all the weight I lost plus a little more for good measure. I broke through the 200 pound mark and beyond. Even though I've always been active, I felt really FAT at over 200 pounds. How did I let this happen? How could I let myself get so FAT?

I couldn't take it anymore. About 6 years ago I jumped on the low carb (South Beach/modified Atkins) bandwagon hard core. I gave up all white carbs. I didn't have any sugar, flour, pasta, potatoes, bread, rice or starchy vegetables for over a YEAR. I don't know how I did it but I resisted all my favorite foods, got off the constant sugar drip and felt amazing as the weight melted off. I ate tons of salads, veggies, some fruits and lean protein and lost at least 60 pounds (AGAIN).

I thought I had it all figured out. I lost it on my own. I got off the sugar and felt amazing. I was never going to be fat again. WoooHoooo! Sixty pounds seems to be my limit before my body wants its fat back. Before I even got to my goal weight I started gaining it back AGAIN all the way up to where I am today - fat and miserable.

Even though I haven't been successful (yet) in all my years of dieting, I haven't given up. I'm fatter than I've ever been and I can't stand it anymore. I'm not done fighting the fat. I'm going to win this war. I spent the majority of my 20s and 30s being Fat. Fat, you may have taken the best years of my life but you are not going to take any more. Fat, you are going down. I'm going to kick your a$$.

Why couldn't I see I was fine (NOT FAT) the way I was before I started that first diet? How fat is FAT now? Where is my limit?