Saturday, March 9, 2013

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing....

...it could have something to do with the fact that all my clothes are pulling apart at the seams and I can barely zip my fat pants. Those size 6s and 8s have been buried under piles of 14s, 16s and 18s and it makes me want to cry. How could I do this again? I swore I wasn't going to let it happen AGAIN. I guess I'm in good company because it's happened to the best of us. Even the weight loss rock stars who lost the weight, wrote books, appeared in commercials and went on whirlwind tours promoting their weight loss only to be in the exact same position I find myself in. Why? Why? WHY? Why do we do this to ourselves over and over again? We are so much happier and healthier but we find ourselves right back to where we started or even further back from our starting line. Why?

I so desperately wanted to be one of those success stories. I want to break the trend and KEEP IT OFF. I worked extremely hard to lose 101 pounds and I wanted to prove to myself that I really did figure out how to take care of myself. Obviously, I still have a lot to learn.

I'm still reading and finding inspiration in your blogs but every single time I sat down to post my own all I came up with sounded whiny and depressing. Who wants to read that? I work long hours at a stressful job (although it is better than the last place I worked). I haven't been able to get to my kickboxing classes or make anything but sporadic appearances at the gym. I started eating out more often and stress eating just like the bad ol' days even though I know better. Little by little I let it all (almost) slip away again. I've just been having a big ol' pity party for myself because I've regained so much weight and I like my pity parties to be solitary affairs which is why I didn't invite all of you to join me. I thought I learned my lesson this last time. I thought I was going to be able to have Adventures in Maintenance just like these amazing ladies (Lori, Cammy, Shelley, Debby and Lynn) who finally figured it all out.

Losing the weight isn't enough, I've done that. Learning to love working out isn't enough, I've done that too. Whatever I've been doing and not doing this past year and a half isn't enough and I know I can do better. I have to do better. I have to find a way to lose the weight AGAIN and, more importantly, KEEPING IT OFF.

I want to crawl in a big, deep, dark hole every time I see someone I haven't seen in a while. I know what they are thinking ... "what happened? it's so sad she regained all that weight back." Of course, that is nothing compared to what I say to myself when I look in the mirror or try on pants that were falling off me 2 years ago that I can't get past my thighs. It is NOT pretty.

What is it going to take for me to learn this lesson? Why do I keep making the same mistakes? Where is that determination and focus I had? Was it just a matter of having the time to take care of myself? How do I make the time I need to take care of myself a priority? How do I stop eating my feelings? I know, I know...JUST DO IT! Oh, it's so simple...but so much easier said than done.

I'll come back soon and fill you in on all the family drama, job opportunities found and lost and big moves happening in my life and hopefully I'll be able to report that I'm back on track to lose this fat suit AGAIN and will, eventually, join my heroes in the Adventures in Maintenance.

Here I go again...

25 comments:

  1. The idea that there are weight loss or maintenance rock stars makes me want to throw up. Really.

    The worst things that were said to me were from other maintainers who told me "only weight maintenance rock stars" could maintain. Most of us would gain it back. While there is some truth in it, I call complete BS on that.

    People who have weight maintenance became experts on them selves and their behaviors and have changed things up when they were or weren't working. There is tons of over lap between us, but we've all fine tuned our different processes.

    If I did not eat meat like Lynn I would have cystic acne so bad I would cry. If I sampled pastries like Shelly, I would be on a binge in 10 seconds straight. If I ate in moderation like Debby, I'd be breaking out the fat pants. I had to become my own mind and body expert. I've been overweight about 40 years. For 45 , I followed and did what others told me should work.

    For all the differences weight maintainers have we have tons of things in common. Weighing in, exercise , balances and checks, possibly meditation.

    Grab the book Refuse to Regain. Use it as base to knock down the barriers that get in your way. Build your base- trying what works and leaving what doesn't. Not a single one of us is a rock star. Really. We rocked at problem solving and trying different things. These actions are totally do able. By all of us. It takes work and finding your own personal path of success.

    I believe weight loss and health are very influenced by mostly mind, food, and a little bit by exercise. That might be different for you. The very best thing you can do right this moment is to stop eating trigger foods. Really. Go throw out all the CRAP. And pour something on it. Head to the grocery or fresh food market and stock up on foods that nourish your body and mind.

    Start there, then remove every barrier one by one ,as you see fit and problem solve the heck out of it. Tell yourself you can do it , that you don't need to be a super power/ rock star to attain maintenance. You will probably need clarity. Fake that until it arrives. The answers are inside you.

    You are with it. Lynn, Shelly, and Debby are worth it ( the others too) We are stronger together.

    Off my soap box now. You go girl!

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    Replies
    1. Karen....I loved every word you wrote :) You are so right about everyone being different. And that's why (and Cammy clarified below) we started AIM, to throw the struggle out there and get folks to think about what their maintenance looks like or will look like for them. God knows I'm still figuring it out!

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  2. Hi MB! First of all--support.

    The first few times I lost my weight, I had too fragile of a formula. If anything changed the tiniest bit, I fell off the wagon. However, each of my trial-and-errors refined the process and made it tougher.

    Mostly, though, the change has to be from deep within--really facing the dark emotions instead of letting them rule your life.<<That is how I got much tougher this time. I hope my 2 cents helps.

    :D Marion

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  3. So glad you are blogging again!!! :)

    Well, all I can say is, been there done that. I just started Weight Watchers again because I just cannot do it on my own anymore - I'm heavier than I've ever been, so I know exactly how you feel.

    I'm finding that hot tea is a good thing to turn to when I need comfort or when that "I just need a little something" feeling comes up. (and thus ends the advice portion of my comment - cuz that's all I got, sister)

    Just know that you still have tons of support here in blogland and we are all pulling for you!! You did it once, you know you have it in you, so you can most assuredly do it again. xoxo

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  4. Oh, you're singing my song. It's a small, small, small consolation but we aren't alone. We're not the only one that this has happened to. And yes, even people with all the money and access in the world struggle with it too. I think it's really only gone when we stop trying. Let's keep at it!

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  5. MB, I'm so sorry you're struggling! You KNOW I understand (lived it many times) the frustration and disappointment you feel.

    While I appreciate your kind words about our AIM group, I have to correct your comment that we've got it all figured out. In fact, one reason Lynn organized us was so that we could explore what we still don't understand and would like to conquer. Or, at least, talk about conquering. :)

    Even though you've had a regain, I'm sure there are still some healthy habits that linger. I hope you can find a way to focus on those, and I KNOW you can figure out a way to solidify and add to them. You might not have the extra time you once had, but you've got moxie and when it comes right down to it, that's what you need!

    I'm an email away if there's anything I can do for you! (I'll send you my phone number if you think that will help.)

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  6. Big, big hugs to you MB. I know I certainly don't have things figured out. It definitely a sticky path and there are lots of avenues to turn down. However - every single day is a chance to start anew. No matter what happened the day before.

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  7. MB

    The first step is realizing that you need to no hide out anymore. Look at all the bloggin love you have already gotten. :) I don't even know your blog but here I am to offer support as well. I find daily blogging is what is helping me the most at this point. Good luck and I will be here to cheer you on as you fit into those clothes again. (PS if it helps any I was down to 202 in 2009 then hubby got laid off and I re-started this yr at 248.4- down 16 now)

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  8. I'm sorry, MB - you know we've all been down this road before, and to be honest, I know that given the right (or would that be wrong?) circumstances, it could have been me writing your post today. It's NOT easy to keep the weight off. We all struggle with that, believe me. I'm sorry you've been dealing with this all alone, when there is good support out here in blogland. Glad you posted and I hope you continue to reach out - big hugs to you, my friend.

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  9. I don't know if you've kept up on me lately, but I've flat out come out and said I'm struggling too. I'm heaver than I have been in over 10 years. Out of the 70+ lbs I lost to get healthy, I'm up 40 of those. I hear you on the pants, I'm at the same place. And I hear you on eating your feelings, because I'm there too. I've decided to embrace the suck, because that is the only option left besides giving up. And giving up IS the only failure. I want to live a long healthy life, and so this will be a battle until the day I die. It makes me so mad that this is the case, but it is.

    I don't want to spend my life, the rest of it, fat. I am fat right now. I'm embarrassed, and uncomfortable to the point of jumping out of my skin both literally and mentally. But I can change this, even if it does make me angry, even if I have screwed up and made bad choices and landed myself 40lbs from where I'm supposed to be. No matter how I brought myself to this point, I can also choose another point to get to. It has nothing to do with looking back and everything to do with looking forward.

    Yeah, it is about just doing it, but that doesn't change anything about the situation and how it feels. No one else is in your shoes but you. So, *hugs*. I'm not you, but I get it. I'm there too. I'm going somewhere else. Sounds like you are too. :)

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  10. MB, you really tore into the truth about weight loss and weight maintenance. It's so embedded in emotional crap and muck... I struggle with it all the time. That's why I write about it. If I keep things in, it festers and pounds wind up on my ass. So when you say who wants to listen to whining, I say get it out. Blog it out. Someone out there is "getting" it with you. If I can help out in any way, let me know. Like Cammy clarified, we don't have this whole maintenance thing figured out, but we're here to support and be supported. Much peace to you.

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  12. Weight is really a big problem seriously, post is good. an dnt worry u can do it.

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  13. We have all been in your shoes. It is very hard to keep it all up. Just take it one day at a time. One foot in front of another. Everyday is a new dy. you can do this.

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  14. Yep, been there, done that. I kept my 70 pound weight loss off for years, until I started taking insulin, then suddenly the fries with cheese and bacon I avoided? I can take insulin and eat them no problem!

    I've gained 30 pounds back, and while I have pretty much maintained 168-170 pounds since 2008, I am just going through the motions. I need to MAKE it happen, not WAIT for it to happen.

    You can do this!! Sending big hugs your way sista!

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  15. Hi MB, I just looked down my blogroll and saw you'd posted and I'd missed it. I also am so sorry for your struggles, and for the struggles of us all. I could have written all you wrote, and added my own brand of frustration given that I've ignored type 2 diabetes for several years that has gotten worse.

    You have so many fantastic comments here already that there is not much I can add. Just having gotten this out and coming out of hiding about it all is a huge step, and takes a lot of courage. You have the support of many, maybe some you didn't know before. That has happened to me in the last couple of weeks and it has helped me to crawl a little bit out of the darkness.

    Mainly I want to encourage you to hold your head high and not let self loathing prevent you from receiving every bit of help, support and love that is out here. I'm pulling for you and hope you keep coming back. Take a deep breath, exhale deeply, and have a good day.

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  16. I'm glad you're posting again. You'll figure this out. The most important thing is that you don't give up, that you keep trying.

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  17. I've been where you are way too many times. It's devastating, isn't it? Ugh! The only thing we can do is pick ourselves back up and do it again. Learn something new this time. Failure is on the opportunity to begin again, only this time more wisely!

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  21. Hi MB! Just a note to say I miss you!!!!

    :D Marion

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  22. oh my goodness - I am not sure if you'll remember me or not - you used to follow my blog when me & my hubby were losing weight on JOURNEY TO THE HEALTHIER SIDE OF LIFE. We lost 150+ pounds between us, and he regained all but 5 pounds, I gained all and added 20 pounds. I was thrilled at your successes and want to be there cheering you on as you do it again!
    As frustrating as it is, you can do this again - I am starting my journey over and I need friends like you to be there! Please post again soon!!!

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  23. Thank you for sharing this post and for all the supportive responses. It has been said that when the pupil is ready...the teacher will appear. As I read this blog tears began streaming down my face...it describes my journey with weight. The 118 pound weight loss is a mere memory and all the beautiful clothes that I purchased in celebration of my normal body hang in closets. The two newest pairs of black pants are getting tighter with the passing of each day. I start every morning determined to practice self care...by 5pm..I am "numbing" with simple carbs. Before reading this blog...I felt alone and defeated.
    I just dumped my "stash" and will get a cup of tea and pray. Again...thank all for your willingness to share.

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  24. Hi MB! Me again. Part of the weight loss novel are the challenges, the villains, the crisis, etc...In 2007, I had gotten from size 16 down to size 12, and had stayed at size 12 very smoothly for a long time. My weight loss felt "permanent." At then end of 2009, I had AB surgery, car accident, Lyme disease, house move, house rehab, but the frosting on this horrifying cake was the m-in-l moving in. She was pure evil and so incredibly b****y 24/7 (and even all night as she scheduled potty breaks every hour and a half, so I was sleep deprived) for 10 months in a row. My husband and I started hating each other. I was barraged with mil's antics and often just sat in my room eating crackers while crying. Other times, I had fantasies of doing terrible things to her. I gained 18 pounds that year. So that was not so fun, but it happens. She moved out in 2011. And it took a lot of time for me to get back to how I was for weight and fitness. She was my Charles Dickens villain in my fitness book. I found out that MANY fit people have had hard times and backslides. It's part of the story/journey. But no matter what happened (or not!), I hope you know I still care. I'd love to hear from you--either here or as a comment on my blog. :D

    :-) Marion

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